Good Girl/ Fat Girl

I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. Growing up poor, I was conditioned to “clean my plate” and not to waste food. This was directly tied to my self identity of being a “good girl”. Let’s not forget, “you don’t get a treat if you don’t finish your dinner.” Well, this good girl, became a fat girl. It’s difficult to break away from this type of thinking. Even as an adult, I can sometimes see myself eating more food than I need just because I can’t stand to leave it on my plate. I don’t have the secret to changing learned childhood behaviors, but I do have some serious strength of will. I try hard, take it one meal at a time, and do my best to educate myself.

My childhood included a lot of time feeling bad about myself, but not knowing how to make healthy changes. The word “diet” entered my vocabulary at age 11 and so did “diet pills”. The Atkins diet became popular again while I was in high school and our family watched my mother lose 80 pounds with Atkins Phase 1 (ketosis). We also watched her gain it all back. My own weight increased steadily after high school until I decided I wanted a baby when I was 26. I knew I wasn’t very healthy, but I really wanted to change for the sake of my baby. I felt like I had wasted my twenties being fat. My mantra was, “Even if I can’t do this for myself, I can do it for my baby.” Weight Watchers gave me some tools for success and I lost 20 lbs, only to gain back 44 with my first pregnancy. After he was born, I weighted 243 lbs. I was really hoping the myth would be true, that the weight just melts off if you’re nursing. Not for me. I went back to Weight Watchers and lost 30 lbs, but I was so hungry.

One day I was walking through Walmart when I saw a book that wasn’t where it was supposed to be (big surprize, Walmart here is a mess). The WheatBelly Diet. I read that and lost even more weight. This was a lot easier. I wasn’t so hungry, but wow, it was labor intensive to cook that way. 30 lbs turned into my first 50 lb weight loss. Man was I lookin’ good! So good, that I got pregnant again, ha ha. After my second was born, I read an article about Keto. This was before Keto had really become popular. There was a lot less information available, but I read everything I could find. I knew this was going to be the diet for me. The science was real and I had my own anecdotal evidence. I had seen ketosis work for my mother on Atkins Phase 1, that is, until she went back to her old ways.

I lost my second 50 lbs just before my 30th birthday. It had taken me just over a year; no magic overnight transformation, but I wasn’t suffering with an unsustainable lifestyle. I was full and happy and able to breastfeed my baby with no supply issues. The slow and steady weight loss really created a new reality of healthy eating and a new confidence that I didn’t have to be stuck being fat. Keto worked for me.

It worked again the next time too! I lost 50 lbs after my third baby. There was so much information out there! Keto was becoming more mainstream and all the tools, trackers, and new low-carb snacks made it even easier to lose weight. I lost all fifty pounds in eight months. Aaand promptly got pregnant again. So here I am, in-it-to-win-it for round four. My friend recently told me “You make it look so easy.” Of course, its not easy at all. I’m just like everybody else. I make mistakes, get lazy and feel overwhelmed. I eat stuff I shouldn’t. I tell myself, why am I trying so hard, I’m lovable the way I am. Then I walk into my closet. I see my clothes that I wore the last time I met my goal. I worked soooo hard for that. Back come the memories of feeling really good physically and mentally about myself. That’s my why. I want to have fun adventures with my kids and not be tired. I want to wear cute clothes that fit and not get winded going up the stairs. If I can do this THREE TIMES, I can do it again. This good girl is going to be a healthy girl.